The thoughts are running around, spastic and inconsiderate of each other, bumping up against each other and crowding the confined space of my mind.
Daily details. All those little things I wouldn’t want to forget. My ego seeking perfection, completeness, needing a sense that something – at least one little thing – is finished, when all along my heart knows that’s just a game that can’t be won. I hear a Buddhist whispering in my ear…”Nothing is perfect. Nothing is finished. Nothing is complete.”
Big ideas. Strategic questions. Possibilities that loom like a fog in the distance. My heart opens to these, and, alas, they are soon pushed out by the tactical tasks of the day. “Move on” that little voice says that is my ego says. Then louder, “Get going girl!”
Personal goals. Things I want to do for myself. The care and feeding of Vicki Flaherty. What will I do for my body and soul today? Something deep inside urges me to keep health a priority. “Make time for yoga, a run with your husband, weight lifting to keep you strong”, my heart joins the chorus in my head. Then, louder, as if I’m not hearing, “Enjoy some time in the kitchen preparing a wholesome meal” and “Don’t forget to grab a snack to keep up your energy.”
Professional commitments. One more thing on that book chapter. “Your conference presentation is in 2 weeks and you still haven’t nailed down your talking points. People you know and don’t are going to be there. You don’t want to embarrass yourself.” Oh, there’s that ego again. Hush. Hush for now…give me some peace, I beg. “Quiet space will create room for the ideas to blossom.” Ah, the chorus of my heart is so dependable.
Friendships and relationships. Like beautiful gardens, these require my tending, and I love when I do. When’s the last time you called your Mom? Or wrote your mother-in-law? Those joys won’t be available to you forever. Can’t tell whose talking now. Your friend LeAnne wrote a week ago and you have not even replied with a simple “got it. busy. i’ll write soon.” Courtesy, girl! And, your friend Sharon’s birthday is Monday and you don’t even have a gift. Guess it will have to be late (again?) this year. Oh, no, I completely forgot about following up with the yoga group on the Hope Lodge dinner. Boy, lucky I remembered because I don’t think I even put a reminder about this on my calendar (and we’re back to the daily details!).
Oh, my, so exhausting.
And, so abundantly delicious. How lucky I am to have all these opportunities and choices in my life. The way forward is revealing itself amidst the hard rock playing in my head. This time it’s definitely not my ego talking. “BREATHE. Here. Now. Go slow. Go with choice, conscious choice.” So I’ll head toward a vision for the day and life I want to create, with all its messiness.